Yesterday went mostly well. “Mostly” because there’s never been a time we’ve had scans when the response is simply, “Perfect, great, everything’s just ducky.  Go on your way now, you healthy normal people.” No, not quite that.

First, he had the follow-up with the radiation oncologist which was fine (actually a lot like what I said above). Then the abdominal ultrasound which lasted a good two hours including the long wait time between being seen by the technician and being seen by the actual doctor (I’ve never really understood why they bother with the technician at all if the doctor just has to come and do it all over again, but anyway . . .). There is nothing new in the kidney, which is obviously good news. But there is a spot in the liver. Now, don’t freak out, it’s not a tumor. Or at least we don’t think it’s a tumor.

It’s more blob-like, where tumors tend to be round (heard that one before, right?). The radiologist thinks it’s most likely “fatty infiltration of the liver with focal fatty sparing” which makes the spot. Whaaattt? I can’t explain it any better than that but it’s not anything to be alarmed about, a not dangerous and not uncommon side effect of chemo. But of course, we can’t be positive that’s what it is based on ultrasound alone.

Which brings us to the never-ending and always tricky question of what to do next. The least invasive way to find out what it is is to do an MRI. Unfortunately, Austin can’t have an MRI with a GFR under 30, nor can he have a CT scan with contrast. There’s a liver function test he could have but it would expose him to a lot of radiation, something we maxed out long ago. Then there’s the possibility of accessing it with a needle biopsy, which comes with all sorts of risks of its own.

When I discussed these options with Austin’s oncologist yesterday afternoon, we still hadn’t done the chest CT (which involves no contrast allowing Austin to still get it). Our first order of business was to make sure there were no suspicious spots or blobs in his lungs. If there were, that would be a huge sign that cancer had indeed spread. Well, luckily, I learned by 6pm that his chest CT was clear. That put us at greater ease about the liver because when Wilms spreads it usually appears first in one lung, then the other lung and only finally in the liver.

Ultimately, our oncologist recommended that we simply wait and re-image in another month. There are a whole bunch of reasons this option makes the most sense: One, it’s probably nothing. Two, all the methods of determining what it is pose risks to Austin. Three, if it actually is Wilms that’s spread to the liver, there’s not much we can do about it. Really, that’s the kicker right there. I mean, in a sick kind of way, what’s the point of us having that information? What am I gonna do with it? I suppose I could pull the kids out of school and make sure they see all the beautiful places of the world. I could take Austin to Disney World for his 4th birthday. I could work extra hard to ensure each day had more laughter than tears.

But I do all that already. I already take them swimming every time it’s hot or say yes to the after-dinner bike ride to the duck pond or park. I’m already thinking about taking him to Disney World for his 4th birthday. I already work extra hard to outweigh the daily scowls with smiles. Life seems short and fragile enough, no matter what a needle biopsy says.

As I was on the phone going over all this with the oncologist, he said that they just got a new computer system that generates data in a different way. As he was scrolling through Austin’s record, he could see a graph that showed that Austin has been treated for cancer in thirty-three out of the past thirty-six months. This struck him and, while it didn’t make his decision for him, it did make him wonder about how much he can do for a patient versus how much he can do to a patient.

Mark and I have learned, in these three long years, and Austin’s doctor has learned too, to make decisions for Austin. And I don’t mean to make them on his behalf. I mean to make them for his own good.

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