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I know that every time this happens, there are a zillion questions running through everyone’s minds that send you all scrambling through the blog archives and even to other online sources. “But wait, … what about that time three years ago when …?” I noticed on my Stats page yesterday that someone was directed to my blog after  searching the words “3rd relapse Wilms cancer.” At first, I thought, “Huh, how ironic,” but then it occurred to me that it might have been one of you out there looking for reassuring information.

Well, you won’t get it. I just typed the same words into my search engine to see what would appear and it’s all old articles I’ve read before, some many times over, one from 1987 with (hopefully!) outdated data. The survival stats according to those studies fall in the 30 to 40% range … and that’s for the first relapse. Nobody really mentions another relapse and nobody seems to be talking about bilateral Wilms or what was once rhabdomyomatous Wilms or any of the other variations that make Austin’s case so ridiculously one of a kind. So, we’re just going to ignore all those and go with what we know about this specific child at this particular moment.

We know that, for all intents and purposes, Austin is well. His labs are steady, which means his body is not under assault and whatever may be in there right now isn’t causing any measurable harm. And he certainly, without a doubt in anyone’s mind, seems well. And that is worth something, both psychologically for all of us but also diagnostically.

We also know that the “thing” they’re seeing on the ultrasound is 1.4 centimeters in size and of an ill-defined shape. The radiologist went back to the two previous scans and, while he can’t rule out with 100% accuracy that it wasn’t there before, he did not and can not see it on any images prior to Monday’s. The official report labels it “new,” which is always bad, but they also say it’s “nonspecific,” and that an “underlying lesion cannot be excluded.” In other words, “We see something in here we haven’t seen before. We can’t tell what it is but we can’t rule out that it’s not a tumor.” Further imagining is recommended.

That’s all we’ve got. But we also have history. We’ve been down this road before, where we see something and can’t define it. First, in December 2008, we began to watch a “something” on his scans which we then biopsied in March 2009 and discovered was cancer. That was removed in April 2009 and turned out to be “old cancer,” all of which coincided with the launch of this blog. Then in October of 2009, we again began to watch another “something.” This was the one that we followed, on pins and needles, throughout that fall, finally deciding to ignore in November, before it doubled in size (“You will not ignore me,” it seemed to be saying) and turned out to be relapsed cancer in December. (Consider yourself warned before you go back and read all those linked posts because, oh my, they contain a lot of drama and a lot more f-bombs.)

Those are really the only “somethings” we’ve watched, except for the “something” in his liver (good god, what a stupid word, something something something). That something did appear on Monday’s ultrasound, unchanged in almost two years. The doctors have contented themselves with the fact that this thing never grows or moves, but will be happy to get a better look at it during the MRI. I consider that thing somewhat different because, 1) it’s in the liver, not the kidney and 2) it’s been there for a good long time without doing any harm.

So, that’s what we have and that’s where we are. I personally feel better today. Not for any specific reason, but just because it’s less raw than it was twenty-four hours ago. We carry on as we always have, because, you know, that’s what we do. Braedan had baseball last night and Austin swung across the monkey bars nearly the whole time. Then we took the troops to Sweetie Fry for treats and didn’t get to bed until well past 9. The boys both know that there is something there that might be cancer, but neither has much wanted to talk about it.  Austin did say the first night, “But I don’t want to have cancer again,” and, oh, if it were only as simple as what we want and don’t want. Since then he tells me to “Shut up” with a slight smirk on his face every time I mention it, so I’m backing off.  Braedan has sporadic questions but will only talk about it on his own terms and his own timing and otherwise sticks his nose in a book and carefully ignores the conversations going on around him. Oh, the child psychology of all this is sadly fascinating.

We have read and listened to all of your very lovely messages and, as always, they bring us strength and comfort. I am not in the mood for returning all your calls and will simply see and speak to each of you as time goes on. We do deeply appreciate the small acts of kindness directed our way (the boys were especially thrilled with the surprise delivery of Dunkin’ Donuts this morning, Ruppes!).  And it did not go unnoticed that all the kids at Austin’s preschool wore their St Baldrick’s shirts yesterday. As I said before, the many offers will be accepted over time, especially if we end up with two-plus years of dialysis.

Oh, that brings up another joyless question I’ve heard too many times in the past three days: If he does indeed lose this kidney, when could he receive a transplant? Well, if this is truly cancer, then the “two-years cancer-free” clock is reset. And it wouldn’t start ticking down until he was completely finished with whatever treatment (chemo or radiation) he might first require. So we’d likely be looking at two-and-a-half years of every other day dialysis. But you know I can’t quite bear to think of that right now. For those of you who have made the ultimate offer — one of your kidneys — I  say (I mean, I shout while jumping up and down), “Yes, yes, thank you very much,” but we can’t even begin the pre-match testing until we’re much much closer to transplant. So just stay healthy and don’t disappear from the online universe.  I will be calling!

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First things first, watch Fox News at 6 tonight to see me and Austin down at the hospital today (what is it with me and Fox News? I guess they’ve never checked my voting records!).  Thanks to his role as a St. Baldrick’s Ambassador Kid, he is becoming quite the little celebrity! As soon as I get the video clip, I’ll post it here for those of you who live out of town (or only surf the blogosphere after-hours).

And now, the real first thing first: Today’s results were all good.  Well, not exactly all good (keep reading), but good in the ways that matter most. His kidney function is holding steady, which is fabulous. His CT and ultrasound show no change to his lungs, kidney or liver . . . also fabulous. There is no indication of any cancer anywhere inside his body.  So, in terms of Wilms tumor, Austin is healthy as can be. And in terms of kidney function, he is as healthy as can be expected.

But (ah, the dreaded but), there are some other troubling issues. Only slightly troubling, mind you, especially speaking in relative terms. The radiologist thinks that the liver looks like it’s “coarser” than in the past.  Not anything inside the liver (that old spot has remained unchanged since August 2010), but the make-up of the liver itself.  He just felt like it looked . . . different.  Vague, I know. Dr. Auletta wasn’t sure what to make of this either, especially since Austin’s liver function is and has always been normal.

The other thing is that there seem to be some . . . stuff in his stomach.  It could be calcium build-up from all the Tums he takes to bind out the phosphorous in his diet or adhesions due to all the surgeries he’s had (not a terribly unusual side effect of being cut open and manhandled that many times). They did recommend doing an upper-GI test, just to see if there’s any action we need to take before an actual blockage occurs.  I’ll learn more about all of these things in the next few days after the various doctors on Austin’s team are consulted and a formal report is issued.

All in all, it’s fine. What matters most is that there’s no cancer and a still-working kidney. But, as I said to the news reporter today, two-thirds of the children who survive their cancers live with long-term health problems as a result of their treatments.  The very things that made Austin better are now the very things that can make him sick. We know that his cancer story will never be over, even if the cancer itself is gone. He will never actually be the normal kid he appears to be.

But, hey, we’ll take him, abdominal adhesions and all.

… one to go.

All went well today, except that everything took way longer than expected. But Austin was a trooper — it is so much easier to wile away half a day in waiting rooms at this age than it was when he was a baby!

His chest CT came back clear — no sign of any cancer in his lungs. His abdominal ultrasound remains unchanged, which means that unidentified spot we’ve been watching in his liver for almost a year has not grown or changed in any way, but is still there. It’s tricky because  ultrasound doesn’t produce a perfectly clear image and the spot appears only when looking from certain angles but not others (as has been the case since we first noticed it). The radiologist said he highly doubts that it’s anything worth worrying about but would prefer to use an MRI or abdominal CT for a better look.

I discussed this possibility with Austin’s oncologist, because it would first require a repeat GFR to determine if Austin’s kidney can even handle an MRI or CT with contrast. We decided that, while a GFR might give us some comfort regarding his kidney (we haven’t had one since last May and I would love to see a number considerably better than 27), the day long procedure is difficult to do without a central line and, even if it was high enough to allow further testing, we’d then have to weigh the pros and cons of MRIs versus CTs, and then if we chose one over the other and were actually able to get a better look at this little blob, that still wouldn’t tell us definitively what it was, and then we’d have to decide if it was worth attempting a needle biopsy, which would be extremely difficult because this spot is only one centimeter in diameter and we’re obviously not going to do a surgical biopsy and then, and then, and then.

In truth, the potential information we could get by doing an MRI or CT isn’t really worth much. Even our oncologist said that doctors just like more information for the sake of information: “We want to know everything we can know.” And, “The radiologist is an image guy so he wants better images.” Needless to say, we decided to leave this little thing alone until there’s reason to worry about it.

His labs also came back good — creatinine its same steady low and CBC numbers all in safe ranges.

Numbers and medical jargon aside, all you really need to know is that we have made it one year cancer-free. Dr. Auletta said that 80% of Wilms tumor relapses occur within 18 months of stopping treatment. (That does not mean that 80% of children with Wilms tumor relapse! Just that if they do, it happens within the first 18 months.) So, six months from now, his chances of relapse go down significantly. And six months after that, we are almost free and clear.

The other piece of good news from today is that we learned that Austin is allowed to take Claritin. I know this may sound silly next to discussions of potentially cancerous spots on livers and all, but he has been miserable lately due to his seasonal allergies. Puffy eyes, sniffly nose, constant sneezing. I had always thought he shouldn’t take allergy medicines because they’re filtered through the kidney, but I was happily mistaken.

So as we were walking down the hallway back to the parking garage after nearly six hours at the hospital, Austin skipping along beside me, I said, “Honey, all your tests were good today. We can’t see any cancer in your body.”

He looked up at me and said, “And no more sniffles?”

I guess if that’s his greatest worry, we’re in a pretty good place.

Tomorrow are Austin’s one-year scans. He’ll have his usual procedures: labs drawn, followed by an abdominal ultrasound to look at the liver and kidney, followed by a chest CT, followed by a visit with his oncology team. And we’ll follow our regular schedule: a normal morning at school, then lunch at the fountain outside the hospital, then many hours of roaming back and forth through the underground maze from one appointment to another.

The radiologist usually gives me a basic rundown on his findings during the ultrasound, so that information I’ll have before we even walk out the door. The CT scan takes longer to read (or longer to be read, is more like it), so we might not have official results from that until Friday. Some of the labs are quick and we’ll have those back by the time we return to the cancer center after scans, but the kidney numbers — which we await with bated breath — won’t come until after we’ve gone home.

Of course, we hope for no changes to his liver, kidney or lungs and either an improvement or maintenance in terms of kidney function. We feel good, hopeful, optimistic, but we’ve always felt that way, even when we were way off base. He seems so normal and vibrant — but he’s always seemed that way, on the outside at least, even when things were going horribly wrong on the inside.

So, we take this one step at a time. And potentially, hopefully, as tomorrow comes to a close, we will find ourselves one step closer to an end. Not the end, because that will never come. But an end. Which would be good enough.

Well, it’s been two months since Austin’s had labwork and nearly three since he’s had an ultrasound or CT scan, and that’s about as long a break as we can hope to get around here.

We are due at the hospital tomorrow, following Austin’s morning at school (assuming he has a morning at school — today was another wasted snow day, in my opinion, because I went out and ran five miles and it wasn’t bad at all). He’ll have bloodwork done to check his kidney function and his hemoglobin (among other things, but those are the numbers I pay attention to). Then an abdominal ultrasound to look at both the kidney and the liver, followed by a chest CT and then a follow-up visit with his oncologist.

As much as we have enjoyed this long break from all things medical, it does raise the stakes. The longer we go, the more nerve wracking the tests become. Three months is an awful long time to turn our heads and look the other way. Who knows what those sneaky little cancer cells could have done in three months’ time?

But he certainly doesn’t seem like a boy who has a single thing wrong with him. He’s happy and active and, at this moment, busy building an obstacle course for his Batman motorcycles to race through.

Should be fine.

So, yesterday was pretty good.  As we’ve all had to learn (the hard way), nothing in this game is ever straightforward, there are always always nuances.

First, the good stuff: His kidney and liver are unchanged. The spot on the liver is still there; it’s still hard to see clearly (visible in some planes but not in others) and still impossible to identify but it hasn’t grown and hasn’t spread, which makes it highly unlikely that it’s a tumor.  Our oncologist actually thinks we can skip a month and if that next one is also unchanged, we can move to ultrasounds every three months which would be awesome.

His bloodwork was also good. A new low for his creatinine which means that kidney is just working away. The normal range for a small child is 0.3 to 0.8. Back in April and May, when he was well on his way to full blown renal failure, his creatinine was as high as 1.75.  His previous low five weeks ago was 1.03. Yesterday’s? 0.87.  Yup, that’s right–almost normal, almost perfect.

His hemoglobin continues to lower but at a very slow rate. I’d been thinking he might finally need a blood transfusion, since the last was eleven weeks ago, but it looks like we’ll get at least another month before that. So again, good news.

Now for the chest CT . . . and the nuances. The official report noted two tiny nodules, less than half a centimeter in size. Tiny little spots that, of course, are impossible to identify. Nodules are harmless, tumors . . . not so much. The radiologist went back to look again at the last scan from August and determined that yes, the spots were there then too but they’re so small that she didn’t even note them in that report. Not that they’ve grown — they haven’t — but for some reason she was able to see them more clearly on this particular scan.

Most of Austin’s previous chest scans were done under sedation, which causes part of the lungs to collapse slightly, meaning that we can’t compare the two most recent scans to the many done before. So ultimately we don’t know if these little spots have been there for years or if they appeared sometime in the last six months. Dr. Auletta said that no one would call these cancer; no doctor or radiologist studying these slides would consider these spots anything worth worrying about.

So we won’t either. We’ll check again in three months and hope for news that, if not better, at least isn’t worse. We know this process will never ever be without questions and unknowns and small shadowy spots that could drive you crazy . . . if you let it.

But we won’t.

Oh, and when we pulled in the driveway at the end of our long afternoon, I discovered three women I’ve known all my life, old neighbors who are now grandmothers, sliding down the slide from Austin’s treehouse. They’d passed by on a walk and decided to come back and take a peek and then of course wanted to see the inside and once up on that platform found that it was easier to get down by slide than by ladder. They were all a little embarrassed to have been caught back there, but I love it. I’m serious when I tell you to feel free to stop by and check it out in person.  I’m happy to catch any of you sliding down our slide.

Whoosh.

Like I said, we’ve got no time for cancer.  Everything went well yesterday. The ultrasound showed no changes to his kidney or liver. Sigh of relief for that.

We are almost six months out from the end of treatment, if you can believe it. One quarter of the way there. There — that magic date of April 2012, when we can actually use sacred words like “cured” and “survivor,” words we’ve never before allowed ourselves to utter.

His lab results came back great too.  I’d been expecting his hemoglobin to drop since it’s been at least six weeks since his last blood transfusion. Well, it has dropped but only slightly and, at this rate, he won’t require another transfusion until November or December. Not only is it nice not to have to dedicate an entire day to that tediously long procedure, but it means that his kidney is producing more red blood cells, or at least losing them less quickly.  All in all, it’s very good news.

His kidney numbers all look good too, with his creatinine even lower than before.  Seems like every month now, we hit a new low (which is really a new high!). We’ve become increasingly lenient with his diet lately and I’d been worried that his phosphorous might levels might have crept upwards. But no, they’re still in the normal range, which means, of course, that his kidney is processing out all that extra phosphorous (cheese, cheese and more cheese) on its own.

Ah, the little kidney that could. And could and could and could.

First of all, sorry about that crazy formatting in the last post.  Because I imported the speech from elsewhere from the Interweb, I have no ability to change it.  Oh well, I’m glad so many of you enjoyed it anyway.

Second of all, another month has gone by and tomorrow Austin has yet another ultrasound. He’ll get to go to school in the morning and then we’ll head straight down for labs and tests to check on the liver and, of course, our organ of choice — the kidney. I’m assuming things will be fine but I have always assumed things will be fine, even when they turn out anything but. So we’re ready, I guess, as ready as we can be, aware that our gloriously normal lives could change on a dime.

Whoosh — back and forth, from the land of the healthy and the living to the land of the deadly and the dying. It could happen on any day in any moment. When you’re deep in the dark netherworld of cancer, you can’t imagine ever finding your way out, ever emerging from that dank, futureless place as a whole person. And then when you’re out of it, you can’t imagine ever being thrust back in there; you’re just a regular person doing regular person things, with regular person worries and, cancer — real, deadly, third time around cancer — is just not on your calendar.

No room for that.  Nope, not this time.

Well, the show must go on.  The tree was finally removed today and the cable line was finally repaired today (after we were promised it would be yesterday and the day before that and the day before that). So finally, finally, here I sit again at my computer with a quick update of the past few days. Because preparing for this party was not the only thing on my to-do list.

Austin had another ultrasound yesterday, a follow-up from last month’s when we saw that shadow on his liver.  (Yeah, that seemed fast to me too.) Well, everything remains as it was. There is still something visible on his liver but it is unchanged from the last time, always good in the world of potential cancer. We again went through the various possible options for finding out what it is and determined that none of them are practical or safe or effective. As our oncologist said, moving forward (or not) all depends on our tolerance for not knowing what this thing is.  And, in truth, our tolerance for not knowing is quite high. All the reasons we had against extra action a month ago stand today.  So we will carry on and re-image in four more weeks.

His other lab results look excellent.  His hemoglobin is still high, which means no need for blood for a good long while (phew).  His blood pressure is down, in an almost perfect range for an (almost) four-year old. His creatinine remains where it was two weeks ago, which is good good good.  And, in perhaps the best news of the day, his oncologist said there’s no reason to see us again before his next ultrasound, scheduled for October 7. A full four weeks! Woo hoo.

And now, the boys are at the Tribe game with their Gramp and “Uncle Pauly,” the house is (almost) spotless, the tables, chairs and twinkle lights are all set in the backyard and all there is left to do is hope the weather forecast is wrong. Now how hard can that be?

Yesterday went mostly well. “Mostly” because there’s never been a time we’ve had scans when the response is simply, “Perfect, great, everything’s just ducky.  Go on your way now, you healthy normal people.” No, not quite that.

First, he had the follow-up with the radiation oncologist which was fine (actually a lot like what I said above). Then the abdominal ultrasound which lasted a good two hours including the long wait time between being seen by the technician and being seen by the actual doctor (I’ve never really understood why they bother with the technician at all if the doctor just has to come and do it all over again, but anyway . . .). There is nothing new in the kidney, which is obviously good news. But there is a spot in the liver. Now, don’t freak out, it’s not a tumor. Or at least we don’t think it’s a tumor.

It’s more blob-like, where tumors tend to be round (heard that one before, right?). The radiologist thinks it’s most likely “fatty infiltration of the liver with focal fatty sparing” which makes the spot. Whaaattt? I can’t explain it any better than that but it’s not anything to be alarmed about, a not dangerous and not uncommon side effect of chemo. But of course, we can’t be positive that’s what it is based on ultrasound alone.

Which brings us to the never-ending and always tricky question of what to do next. The least invasive way to find out what it is is to do an MRI. Unfortunately, Austin can’t have an MRI with a GFR under 30, nor can he have a CT scan with contrast. There’s a liver function test he could have but it would expose him to a lot of radiation, something we maxed out long ago. Then there’s the possibility of accessing it with a needle biopsy, which comes with all sorts of risks of its own.

When I discussed these options with Austin’s oncologist yesterday afternoon, we still hadn’t done the chest CT (which involves no contrast allowing Austin to still get it). Our first order of business was to make sure there were no suspicious spots or blobs in his lungs. If there were, that would be a huge sign that cancer had indeed spread. Well, luckily, I learned by 6pm that his chest CT was clear. That put us at greater ease about the liver because when Wilms spreads it usually appears first in one lung, then the other lung and only finally in the liver.

Ultimately, our oncologist recommended that we simply wait and re-image in another month. There are a whole bunch of reasons this option makes the most sense: One, it’s probably nothing. Two, all the methods of determining what it is pose risks to Austin. Three, if it actually is Wilms that’s spread to the liver, there’s not much we can do about it. Really, that’s the kicker right there. I mean, in a sick kind of way, what’s the point of us having that information? What am I gonna do with it? I suppose I could pull the kids out of school and make sure they see all the beautiful places of the world. I could take Austin to Disney World for his 4th birthday. I could work extra hard to ensure each day had more laughter than tears.

But I do all that already. I already take them swimming every time it’s hot or say yes to the after-dinner bike ride to the duck pond or park. I’m already thinking about taking him to Disney World for his 4th birthday. I already work extra hard to outweigh the daily scowls with smiles. Life seems short and fragile enough, no matter what a needle biopsy says.

As I was on the phone going over all this with the oncologist, he said that they just got a new computer system that generates data in a different way. As he was scrolling through Austin’s record, he could see a graph that showed that Austin has been treated for cancer in thirty-three out of the past thirty-six months. This struck him and, while it didn’t make his decision for him, it did make him wonder about how much he can do for a patient versus how much he can do to a patient.

Mark and I have learned, in these three long years, and Austin’s doctor has learned too, to make decisions for Austin. And I don’t mean to make them on his behalf. I mean to make them for his own good.

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